Losing Weight?

There has been a lot going on and much of it I wish I had made time to give it the recognition that I think it deserves, but its has just been too crazy. First, we had Hana’s big birthday celebration and it was wonderful! We had amazing food, amazing decorations (more on this later…) and amazing guests! Second, Hana and I flew to Bend, Oregon for our first trip after being discharged from Stanford. We were very nervous to have Hana fly and for her to be so far away from our usual medical facilities in case something went wrong. She handled the airplane ride just fine. There were no complications other than the usual difficulties of traveling with a one-year old – she didn’t sleep very well, naps and bedtime were harder, she might have felt overwhelmed by the new environment. She did vomit more – at least every day, which brings me to the next point.

We saw Hana’s Kaiser cardiologist on Monday and she has lost weight (130 grams or 4.5 ounces) from the week before. Now, when she saw her pediatrician the week before she was weighed on a different type of scale (a real scale versus a digital scale) and the nurse did it very, very quickly, maybe not so accurately because she is not used to parents who are tracking every ounce (or gram) so carefully. But lets say the reading was way off, still, her weight is just barely more than her weight at Stanford three and half weeks ago, its really the same. Her Kaiser cardiologist said she does not get worked up over one “bad” data point, such as this drop in weight.

In addition, Hana had an echocardiagram by the usual tech at Kaiser, Doug, who also did Hana’s very first echo, while her cardiologist looked and watched and we saw how bad her heart was for the first time. On Monday, Hana was Doug’s very last patient of his career. After 30 years he was retiring, so that was kind of an honor for us (and sad because he is really, really amazing). Regarding her echo, her Kaiser cardiologist said, “there isn’t anything significant” to talk about, but her heart is larger than it has been, so that is a change. She did say, “sometimes that happens”. This made my own heart plummet. I will say that her Kaiser cardiologist has seemed much more worried or concerned than the heart failure/transplant cardiologists at Stanford and she did not seem worried or concerned, but still, I was hoping her heart was getting smaller not larger.

Lastly, during her exam, her cardiologist thought she saw “pulling” of her skin between her ribs, as if she were having to work hard to breathe. She also said this could be because she had just been upset the minute before. But still! That is three things! I walked home from the appointments in a teary daze. Everything feels so fragile. I tell myself to take a deep breath, she looks so good, she is acting so much happier, she is talking so much more! Maybe her stagnant weight is because she is moving around so much more! I hope so. But still, it has been a little bit stressful and I am reminding myself to not take for granted the days and moments and all the good things. I remind myself not to make it something it isn’t. I remind myself to imagine what life will be like when all these things are no longer a worry. I remind myself to cherish my sweet girl!