A Month Ago Today

It was a month ago today that all of this came crashing down around us. It has been the longest month of my life, by a lot. It’s almost hard to remember what it was like before all of this happened. But I do remember. It comes in flashes like the brief moment of jealousy I feel when I see a baby or a child, especially if they are Hana’s age, and think that they get to grow up with a perfectly normal heart. But I don’t dwell there. So many people have worked to get Hana to where she is and maybe someday she too will get to grow up with a perfectly normal heart. I remember thinking in the hospital how grateful I was, not only to all the doctors and nurses, but to all the people who created the medications and devices and even invented the materials used in the devices that were all working to save her life. That’s a lot of people. I am so grateful.

On the other side of things, there are a lot of people supporting Hana. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I will never be able to say how much it means to us. Today, for example, we were brought lunch, dinner, friends took care of Poppy and organized getting help for us after my mom goes home, we received a fruit arrangement, offers for help, care packages and cards. I often wonder what I did in my life to deserve such amazing people. Nothing can prepare you for what happened to Hana and how it happened and yet, I feel like every moment of my life has somehow been preparing me for this. Somehow all these people who I have known in my life, some of them only in passing, some of the people I don’t know at all, but they are here now and they are cheering on Hana and holding us up.

It was a rough night last night. I found Hana lying on her stomach and crying, although not unusually crying, but I discovered that she had vomited. She hasn’t yet vomited alone. She vomited again later that night and then a little bit again today. She was fussy and clingy and seemed bored with all her toys or usual activities. I wonder how the trauma of all of this has affected her. She fell asleep sucking on her pacifier while I rocked her to sleep. It felt really, really nice. The days are long and fast and I sometimes wonder how long it will be before I get a moment to myself. Tomorrow is Hana’s six-month well child visit! We will be seeing a new pediatrician, since we are now Kaiser patients. I hope it goes well.