Leave The Mess, Go Out In Your Pajamas

Its been a two-vomit kind of day. Yesterday too. At least a pattern seems to be emerging. Every morning this week during or around the morning nap, Hana has vomited. Last night and tonight she vomited at bedtime (all over me), but I think both times she gagged. Today was the first day with the increased calorie fortified milk. I’m not sure that had much to play in things but I do need to watch for signs of dehydration – like less wet diapers. I do wonder if her pooping in the bath means she is constipated from the change. She sure is cute, even when she poops in the bath.

It was a beautiful day today in San Francisco. This morning I was kind of on top of things so I had already pumped and drank my coffee when it was time for Hana to attempt some solid foods. So we had breakfast together. She seemed far more interested in my bran flakes and banana then her piece of banana and pear puree. Afterward I decided to leave everything where it was – pear and banana smeared on the floor and high chair on Hana’s face. Spoons and toys were strewn all over the kitchen. I just left the mess and scooped her and Poppy up and we went to the park for half an hour. I was in my pajamas and Hana was in her pear-smeared pajamas. It was lovely and everyone enjoyed themselves. I think if I don’t learn to just leave the mess and go, I will miss the good things in life and Hana will therefore miss them too.

I did get a lot of help today, family from out-of-town. I even made some baby food – broccoli, cauliflower, mango and beets. When I was cleaning up the kitchen at 9 o’clock at night and I hadn’t yet eaten dinner, I was wondering why I am putting myself through the pain of making baby food. It’s so easy, yet, even small inconveniences can become huge for me. I remembered that I am doing it because I’ve tasted commercial baby food before and its disgusting. I want Hana to taste fresh food, because I’m hoping that will entice her to try eating. I am wondering if I am just putting too much pressure on myself, and inadvertently on Hana, to progress with the solid foods. Maybe I just need to relax more.

I need to relax more. I don’t always want to take a nap during the day, but sometimes I just want to lie down and do nothing for five minutes. I have a constant, low-grade tension headache. I expect a lot from myself. I wonder if I somehow attracted this situation to myself because I like things that are hard. This is hard. But why do I like things that are hard and challenging? Maybe it makes them feel more worthwhile. I don’t know.

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6 thoughts on “Leave The Mess, Go Out In Your Pajamas

  1. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Some of those things are things that all moms go through even without a baby who has a sick heart. Um, I still leave a mess…every single day… I did even when I was on maternity leave and not working. And the baby food too! I felt I had to make all of the baby food and the mommy guilt was terrible! But sometimes you just need a break and tell yourself it is ok to take a break. It is not terrible to get a few extra jars for days when you just don’t have time. Or when you do have time, make a lot and freeze it. But get a few jars… Believe me, many moms go through that. Give yourself room to take a break. Some things will be hard and you just have to deal with those as they come… Like deciding about the transplant list. But some things, like a messy kitchen or laundry or even store bought baby food… Those are not things that you will think about a year from now, so let those things go and enjoy more time outside or just resting. Please! Love you all!

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    1. Totally spot on !!!! I can’t remember a lot of the bad because of sleep deprivation! But I do remember the awesome snuggles, slobbery kisses, and introducing her to even the little things in the world like a daisy! I would trade every dish, mopped floor, load of laundry to have more of that!!!

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  2. Well I’ll agree with Erin. leave the mess for another time and go enjoy the outdoors, rest and be with Hana. And it’s Ok to take a 5 minute break and decompress. If you are getting tension headache it’s stress. Take care of yourself too. for your self and for the family.
    I cannot begin to know exactly how much stress you and Paul are going through with all of this. But I do know it is stressful. Dealing with serious illness is stressful and wondering whats next with the illness ( that part I do know) and dealing with a new baby is too. I also know that you have to deal with the stress because that will make you ill too. So leave the messy kitchen and decompress how ever you need to.
    And if anyone makes a comment to you about the fact that you have a messy kitchen, let me at’em!!! But I’ll bet everyone will understand and not even notice.

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  3. Poop in the tub, poop all over the crib, poop everywhere. Jon, my messy one, did that ALL the time. So normal – yum ;). Much better about it now – at almost three – ha! As for the baby food making – I always said I would do that…have the baby bullet and everything…but didn’t very often at all. Weirdly, my boys didn’t want what I made fresh at home (maybe because I tried to sneak veggies into everything – they would almost never eat veggies by themselves – who knows) – so we did A LOT of store bought baby food. Organic, expensive, store bought baby food. I still have SO much trouble getting them to eat ANY veggies that we STILL do the pouches – anything to get veggies in them! So, don’t feel bad at all. It’s so tough without family to help out – I know. I can imagine so, so much tougher with what you are dealing with!! A lot of what you are dealing with, though, is also normal for totally healthy little ones. I cannot imagine how overwhelming it must be with all of the extra stuff! You are doing a fabulous job, as far as I can see :). She is just beautiful, messy face and all 😉

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