Its been a two-vomit kind of day. Yesterday too. At least a pattern seems to be emerging. Every morning this week during or around the morning nap, Hana has vomited. Last night and tonight she vomited at bedtime (all over me), but I think both times she gagged. Today was the first day with the increased calorie fortified milk. I’m not sure that had much to play in things but I do need to watch for signs of dehydration – like less wet diapers. I do wonder if her pooping in the bath means she is constipated from the change. She sure is cute, even when she poops in the bath.
It was a beautiful day today in San Francisco. This morning I was kind of on top of things so I had already pumped and drank my coffee when it was time for Hana to attempt some solid foods. So we had breakfast together. She seemed far more interested in my bran flakes and banana then her piece of banana and pear puree. Afterward I decided to leave everything where it was – pear and banana smeared on the floor and high chair on Hana’s face. Spoons and toys were strewn all over the kitchen. I just left the mess and scooped her and Poppy up and we went to the park for half an hour. I was in my pajamas and Hana was in her pear-smeared pajamas. It was lovely and everyone enjoyed themselves. I think if I don’t learn to just leave the mess and go, I will miss the good things in life and Hana will therefore miss them too.
I did get a lot of help today, family from out-of-town. I even made some baby food – broccoli, cauliflower, mango and beets. When I was cleaning up the kitchen at 9 o’clock at night and I hadn’t yet eaten dinner, I was wondering why I am putting myself through the pain of making baby food. It’s so easy, yet, even small inconveniences can become huge for me. I remembered that I am doing it because I’ve tasted commercial baby food before and its disgusting. I want Hana to taste fresh food, because I’m hoping that will entice her to try eating. I am wondering if I am just putting too much pressure on myself, and inadvertently on Hana, to progress with the solid foods. Maybe I just need to relax more.
I need to relax more. I don’t always want to take a nap during the day, but sometimes I just want to lie down and do nothing for five minutes. I have a constant, low-grade tension headache. I expect a lot from myself. I wonder if I somehow attracted this situation to myself because I like things that are hard. This is hard. But why do I like things that are hard and challenging? Maybe it makes them feel more worthwhile. I don’t know.