My heart is so heavy. I’m trying so hard. I feel so much pressure – start feeds, give meds, clean vomit, push solid foods, get her to take a bottle, get the eyepatch on for an hour, pump breastmilk six times a day, fortify milk, thaw milk, and then try to get Hana outside where she is happy, preferably with the dog so she is happy too. None of these things can slide, not really. There is the added stuff of making appointments, going to appointments, keeping inventory of and ordering all the supplies needed, making sure medications are ordered and picked up, sending messages to doctors and other care providers. This does not include bottle and syringe washing which we have had so much help doing.
I am sad. I am sad that my dog doesn’t get outside as much. I am sad that Paul doesn’t get all the time that he used to for himself. I am sad that Hana has a sick heart. I am trying to to get everyone’s needs met and I feel like I am failing. All these things are building and on top of it, I am not always gracious. (I like to think that I am gracious sometimes.) I am burning out. I’d like a few minutes to myself that is not in the shower. I know that its hard for a lot of moms to get time to themselves. But I think I just need some time so I can cry all the tears I’ve been saving.
Today was a double vomit day. The first was right after I gave the morning meds. So, I was on the phone with Stanford again. I tried giving Hana half her morning feeds, waiting, then giving meds, but it obviously didn’t work. There was a lot of great help during the day but then ten minutes after some of the help left, Hana vomited again. I think maybe she just gagged again on her pacifier, but it still really bummed me out. After a tough early evening, Hana was so fussy, so I took her on a walk and we sat in a church and I cried. I cried for not being my best self and for not having more to give.