Today Hana vomited. There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for it either. She wasn’t upset. She wasn’t fed too fast. She wasn’t fed too much. She hadn’t recently had her iron or other meds. She wasn’t squirming around too much. She wasn’t laying down. She wasn’t too tired. She didn’t cough or gag herself. But she still vomited. I wish I knew why so I could prevent it, because I can control all the other things, maybe not directly, but I can figure out a way to carefully tinker with the situation so that she doesn’t vomit. But not when I have no clue as to why. This is where I have no control.
When you spend a lot of time at home trying to juggle a situation with a lot of moving parts, you learn to try to control as much as you can. Or, at least I do. But this is a trap because it is a fool’s hope that you do, in fact, have control over a situation. It is scary and nerve wracking and promotes uneasiness to feel like you are not in control. Sometimes I freak out a little bit. Anything that gets slightly out of balance and I feel like the whole world is going to fall apart. (Okay, that is a bit of an exaggeration.) I keep trying to build it back up, to keep it on track. But this can create craziness and can make me a pretty unfun person to be around.
Today Hana had bloodwork done. I hate this. She hates it. It actually went pretty well and they only had to stick her once and the blood came quickly into the three viles. Then, this evening they had the results already, online! I checked them, feeling nervous. I’m searching for her BNP levels. My heart sinks. Now it is 1049, up from 899 last time, which was up from 696, which was up from 411 when she was discharged. I know, they say this is just one factor and is not necessarily a good indicator of the overall situation, but still. I still want the numbers to be going in the other direction, or at least staying steady. This BNP number is not something I can control. It feels scary and nerve wracking and it makes me feel nauseous, maybe I’m the one that could vomit.
I think of yesterday, Mother’s Day. I am so happy to be a mother. It is the greatest honor of my life. I don’t need a “mother’s day” to remind me of this, it is something I think about every day since Hana was born. I can cherish each moment with my baby that I love so much. I can live in the present moment. I can show her my love and care for her the best way I know how. Those things, I can control.