It’s Hard On My Heart

Hana had a good day. They increased the amount of breastmilk they are giving her and they decreased her dopamine. She was very agitated throughout the day and they did end up giving her a small amount of sedative. She would wiggle around and try to pull out her tubes or rub her eye. She had a good chunk of time were she was alert and we read her stories and talked to her. She even tried grabbing at her hanging toys or the pages of her books.

The evening plan is to do a couple of CPAP trials in preparation for taking out her off the ventilator in the morning. That being said, her heart started being erratically but her blood pressure was ok. Doctors came in. They did an EKG. Meanwhile, they were cracking open a baby’s chest a few rooms down and installing an ECMO device/machine (an emergency procedure to take over the work of the heart). It felt tense. I started to cry. Again. It reminded me how hard this whole thing has been on my own heart. I love Hana so much and it hurts so much to see her suffer. Sometimes she tries to cry (but she makes no noise because of the breathing tube) and her face has the look of pain on it that breaks my heart. I want to hold her and cuddle her and soothe her. But I can’t, yet, and it hurts my heart.

I love this baby (and her heart).