Last night I got more sleep. I could feel myself hitting a wall of exhaustion I had not known before. Even after bringing home a newborn who is too sleepy to feed well and you only get an hour of sleep a night for days because you are up trying to get her to eat more, this kind of exhaustion is different. Even after sleep, this kind of exhaustion is still there, like a coat you are still wearing inside.
Last night I even had a dream. I was in Rio de Janeiro, looking down on the city, like you see in the famous photographs with the statue of Christ the Redeemer with his arms outstretched. I’ve climbed, hiked all the way to this high point above the city. Then I turn and look behind me and there are more mountains behind me, taller and higher than I ever could have imagined. Its almost like they reach the sun, or could even crowd the sun out of the afternoon sky. How could the top of mountain be so high in the sky? And yet, despite how tall the mountain top was, it didn’t seem so distant – I could see the individual treetops at the peak.
Behind me too, was a building, a hostel or hotel or resort that was built into the side of the mountain, climbing up its side. I entered the building, into a sort of dining room. There were stairs that went up to the next floor. The stairs appeared almost like a ladder to the next floor because they were so steep. I started to climb the steps, which brought me to a new room. I stopped, looked around and took the next set of steep steps to the next room. I kept going and going.
The rooms were like the inside of a hostel – a place for travelers that felt more like a home than a hotel, but not so fancy as a Bed & Breakfast. It was hard to imagine that anyone had done this journey before me, but obviously they had and had decided to build this place for travelers who came after them. After my pause, I kept going. Sometimes there was the option to take an escalator, but I always chose the steps, this is my habit in waking life too. But then I got to a room where there were only escalators, no steps, to the next floor. So I took the escalator and it was so steep I felt like I would fall off. I held on to the moving handrail and felt my body want to give in to gravity and tumble down. I think I made it too the next floor – but just then, I woke up.
I ask myself now, was I headed to the very top of the mountain? The answer is not clear to me, not as a thought. What I “know” is only a feeling, that I was drawn to the top, not by curiosity or desire, just a subtle pull to move upwards. I wonder what about the situation now I’m trying to work out in my subconscious. I hope I can learn how to be a good mother to a hospitalized baby, it’s a whole new ballgame.
Here is a picture of Hana and me: