Today Hana has been very agitated. She has been awake since 6:15 without a nap. She has the shakes and is inconsolable. They believe it is from drug withdrawal from the morphine and Versed. Someone needs to constantly be with her to entertain, distract, console her and she is still crying (a strange cry/whimper like I’ve never heard from her before), kicking her legs and arching her back. We take shifts being with her. I’ve probably spent the least amount of time in her room. Between pumping breastmilk, trying to eat, drink water and go to the bathroom, there seems to be a shortage of time. Then I feel guilty. I am not doing a good job at taking care of myself. I am exhausted and copious amounts of coffee are only doing so much (and keeping me up too late). Thank goodness for my parents and Paul, who is so devoted.

They have her Ativan. Then more Ativan. Then they gave her a small dose of morphine. It wasn’t helping. Her heart rate was really high. Finally, they got the amount of Ativan and morphine right so she could rest. They also increased her high flow up to 10L and they increased her dopamine to 5. We will start again tomorrow trying to wean her off some drugs.

It was a stressful day. Poor Hana was the most stressed. It’s terrible watching a baby go through drug withdrawal. Nothing calms them. I hope her heart can get some rest from the last 12 hours of agitation.

I went for a jog in the evening. I was assured by a number of people that it would be good for me to get out. I need movement and fresh air. I need it to give me the energy to get through days like today – and I have a feeling there may be a lot more days like today. Towards the end of my jog I started to cry and I imagined holding my healthy baby in my arms. It’s hard to find peace and yet, I think if I can manage some moments of peace, I can find some more strength. I might just need to take more deep breaths. We go from holding our breath to letting go of a sigh back to holding our breath. That takes a lot of energy (as does feeling guilty). I need to move breath more freely.

I sat outside the hospital on a bench in my running clothes and cried into my hands. I kept thinking, “My baby, Hana. My baby, Hana.” Then I went inside.

Oh, my sweet Hana.

This is Hana as we are waiting for her new room to be ready:


This is Hana finally resting:


12 thoughts on “Withdrawl

  1. stay strong!!! And take care of yourself so you can take care of Hana! You have so much support and love surrounding you. I can not even imagine what you are going through but it breaks my heart to think about it. But you are one of the strongest people I know who has never given up on anything. Thinking and praying for Hana everyday!

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  2. You absolutely need to make it a priority to take time for yourself and jogging seems like a really productive way to do that – so try to build it into your routine; you & Hana will be better off for it! It breaks all of our hearts to hear what you are all going through – it is just so hard. You are doing an amazing job – as much as I know it’s hard, you need to stop feeling guilty! For all of us watching earnestly from afar, we are continually amazed at your strength & it is so clear what a great mama you are!!!

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  3. Kathleen,
    so glad you are taking the necessary time for yourself so that you can be that calming, loving force in baby Hana’s life. Much love and healthy recovery to all of you.

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  4. Kathleen and Paul,
    Thanks for your daily posts. Hana is in our thoughts as we pack up our house to move. It is so difficult a time for you, and exhausting. We pray for you to have strength and faith each !
    Uncle Dave and Aunt Jean Hedger

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  5. Kathleen & Paul, I think this particular post was one of the most gut wrenching to read. I know we never think of a baby having to detox. As her mother and father, it must have been so very hard to know your little one was hurting.

    I know for you that physical movement isn’t just helpful, BUT totally essential.
    It doesn’t help to say don’t feel guilty, because you are you…….so have the guilt, but go ahead and go outside, and draw strength from the sky, earth, air, plants and be as distracted as you can for 20-30 minutes.
    Sending you so much love, as are many others. People want to give, so just surrender and receive — if not for yourself then for Hana, sweet angel of light that she is.

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  6. Paul and Kathleen, Dana, Jennie, Donna,
    I have a wonderful friend, Gary Massari, who lives in Danford. He has passed this prayer on for Hana’s complete healing. We will be praying it here too!
    Pray 2nd Peter 2:24 By His strips we are healed. Pray Dear Lord we know you are the great protector and lover of children. We bring Hana to you and ask with faith believing for a complete healing and miracle for her life. Jesus, we recognize with faith you are the Son of God and come to you humbly with arms lifted up praising your name. Oh Lord, blow softly over her body and let her feel the warmth of your breathe over her body. We promise to bring Hana to your love and the knowledge of who you are and the glory you share with your Father. She will always know you healed her. We love you Lord, and cry out in your name with all the faith we have to heal Hana.

    Jean, have you family pray this anointed prayer over and over again.

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  7. How wrenching that Hana went through withdrawal, and that you were comforting witnesses. Re caring for yourself, first, let others care for you at every opportunity. Then it may help to have a stabilizing routine you do every day as the uncertainty swirls around you. Go for a run, eat a tuna sandwich every day for lunch, call a friend, etc. Thank you for this blog, a stabilizing routine for everyone who loves your family.

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  8. Stay strong and wonderful that you went for running! This is a meditation in motion. Your body and mind need it to stay sane and comeback recharged and ready to face the day. I am sure Hana is greatful to have a caring and loving mom and dad as you! Hana will be well soon! Wanted to share a mantra I try to repeat to myself which helps me go through difficult times – “This is just a moment in time. It shall pass”.
    Sending you positive energy and strength!
    looking forward to hearing good news about your little baby and her strong heart!

    Liked by 1 person

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