I Wish It Were Better

During the last few days in the hospital, Hana had been taking a bottle, or most of a bottle, several times a day. She also had been successfully breastfeeding once a day. At home, breastfeeding has made her vomit and she refuses to take a bottle. I went to Target and bought all different kinds of bottles, but she won’t take one at all. She vomited again this morning, although not very much. After all the fast improvements she made in the hospital I was hoping at home she would at least maintain where she was at home. Although her mood has certainly improved and she is certainly getting more and better sleep, it seems the vomiting and refusal to take the bottles are a backwards slide. This makes me sad. I wish it were better.

Sadness is something I am feeling a lot of. It is mourning. Mourning for the baby I thought I had. The one that I took to baby sign language class, took into the water at the public pool and carted all over the city on the public bus. It is mourning for the life I thought we would have, the kind of things I thought we would do, I would do, all of us would do together. There is worry, wondering if one day I will wake up and my baby won’t be breathing because her heart stopped. I feel sad. The amount of work to be done is also feeling overwhelming. My house is a disaster. Things are strewn everywhere. I can’t find a lot of things because they were grabbed quickly, or by someone else and have not yet made it back to where they belong. I have papers everywhere too. Just keeping up with pumping breastmilk, mixing formula, measuring medications, timing everything, giving her tube feeds is daunting. I am feeling discouraged that I will never be able to keep up, that I will continue to get further and further behind (and right now I have my mom here to help!). On top of that, I need some more sleep.

Hana looked into my eyes for a long, long time today and it felt like she was saying to me, “Don’t worry, I’m okay.” I know that is different from “I’ll be okay,” but for now, she is okay. I have to remind myself of that. Also, I have to remind myself to enjoy what I have today because I don’t know how long I will have it. Despite having a very, very sick heart, Hana manages to laugh and smile. She is still enjoying herself when she can and as much as she can. It is a joy to be her mother – to watch her, to hold her, to pat her to sleep. It is a wonder and it is wonderful.

Today we took some time off from everything and took a walk in the Presidio. Then we went and had sandwiches up at Alamo Square and enjoyed the warm weather and sunshine. It was a great break, especially after spending three weeks inside a hospital!

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5 thoughts on “I Wish It Were Better

  1. My hope is Hana is able to nurse again, or she latches on to the right bottle nipple soon. Also, most importantly right now, My hope is for you to get enough sleep so all these normal and legit feelings will feel less taxing on your heart. They are all normal feelings, and I feel so much of this pain, from the perspective I have, so I can’t imagine the real weight of it all other than through your words. I’m so sorry, Kat. Trust it will get better, and keep taking those breaks, and moments to rest. You are doing amazing, She really looks so good!

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  2. Suzanne is right. These are all normal feelings that you are feeling but you have been through such a nightmare that I am amazed at your strength through it all. You and Paul are amazing parents and you never have to wish you could have done anything more. It’s so hard to feel normal under these circumstances and I hope you know we are all here for you to vent to. We are supporting you and Hana and still praying for things to be better. Please try to rest when you can and don’t worry about the small things that are not getting done. They will wait! Stay positive and enjoy that little sweetie. She is doing better and you will get through this.

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  3. You are going great! It is normal to doubt, be scared and sad. Yet, this doesn’t mean that you are not strong, just the opposite! I admire your brave heart and love and care you give little Hana. You are an amazing mother! Continue smiling and enjoying your baby and staying positive – trust that good things are on your way. Loved the pic in the Presidio – really hope that all of you enjoyed the warm Saturday and energy of the fresh air and Sun! Wanted to share that I have had many problems with our LO taking the bottle and found out that only one kind worked for her. If you haven’t had a chance, please do try commo tommo. I order it online but some local baby stores also carry it.
    Praying for all of you and wishing you a quick transition!
    Two of the most important things have already happened – Hana is going better and you are all back home! Dream BIG!
    Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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