Another Week

My sister left this morning, so early, that by the time I sit down to write this it feels like she’s been gone for days. But for the first time, I feel like I am getting a handle on things. I did get a lot of help today – four helpers, a housecleaner and someone who brought us dinner. But it feels like maybe the dust is settling, except that with Hana’s health I feel uneasy. She vomited twice today – once at 3:30 a.m. and again at 10 a.m. I fear she is breathing too fast or too heavy. I wonder if she is too cranky, is it poor naps or something else. I just wish I had more peace of mind. I wish I knew more, could tell the difference.

My heart feels heavy and yet I can’t keep living this way. I need to find a way to change my outlook, my perspective. Sometimes it feels unfair – I just wanted a healthy baby. But, I tell myself, Hana is my baby and as she is who she is, I will gladly do whatever it is she needs me to do, to be, as her mother. It is my honor. I don’t know though, the mind can go to dark places some times. The heart can ache. I want some happiness, no, some more happiness. Its time to go on a hunt for it, now that I am feeling like life is “caught up” a bit.

This week we have lots of appointments. Tomorrow Hana sees the GI/Nutrition specialist. Wednesday Hana needs more lab work and we visit the feeding specialist. Thursday we go back down to Stanford. Friday Hana see the ophthalmologist and we talk to a nutritionist. I hope our appointment at Stanford gives me some peace of mind.

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2 thoughts on “Another Week

  1. What a cute face! Her eyes say so much – I see that happiness you are hoping for there. Sending positive energy and praying for some good news that will bring comfort to your family! Fingers crossed the appointments go well! Hana looks great! Love to see her pictures! Sweet dreams!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Of course she has a cute face!!!
    I keep saying she’s the cutest baby ever!
    Can’t blame you for your feelings, but you will do fine. The comfort comes from watching Hana grow, just watch. Yup, she needs extra care. But I know you can handle it. God will NOT give you anymore than you can handle. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

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