My sister left this morning, so early, that by the time I sit down to write this it feels like she’s been gone for days. But for the first time, I feel like I am getting a handle on things. I did get a lot of help today – four helpers, a housecleaner and someone who brought us dinner. But it feels like maybe the dust is settling, except that with Hana’s health I feel uneasy. She vomited twice today – once at 3:30 a.m. and again at 10 a.m. I fear she is breathing too fast or too heavy. I wonder if she is too cranky, is it poor naps or something else. I just wish I had more peace of mind. I wish I knew more, could tell the difference.
My heart feels heavy and yet I can’t keep living this way. I need to find a way to change my outlook, my perspective. Sometimes it feels unfair – I just wanted a healthy baby. But, I tell myself, Hana is my baby and as she is who she is, I will gladly do whatever it is she needs me to do, to be, as her mother. It is my honor. I don’t know though, the mind can go to dark places some times. The heart can ache. I want some happiness, no, some more happiness. Its time to go on a hunt for it, now that I am feeling like life is “caught up” a bit.
This week we have lots of appointments. Tomorrow Hana sees the GI/Nutrition specialist. Wednesday Hana needs more lab work and we visit the feeding specialist. Thursday we go back down to Stanford. Friday Hana see the ophthalmologist and we talk to a nutritionist. I hope our appointment at Stanford gives me some peace of mind.