Which Is It

Sometimes, at night, I am too tired to write. Rose left yesterday morning. Hana threw up yesterday in the morning and the evening. She threw up again this morning around 6am. This seems to be the time to throw up. She had rolled off her bed, slid down the pillows and threw up on the carpet. She threw up again later this morning. I called the Pediatric Cardiology fellow on call at Stanford last night because I’ve been concerned about a grunting/cough sort of noise that Hana has been making. She was making a noise similar to it before all this erupted. This time it is a little different, more like she is constipated. But I called and the doctor asked questions and decided she was okay but to call back if any other signs emerged. Like breathing fast. Babies breathe fast. They breathe faster when they are worked up.

After Hana fussed as she tried settling herself down for her night time sleep, I counted her respirations. I tried using the stethoscope but sometimes she would move and I didn’t know how many respirations I missed counting. At first, her per minute respiration rate was over 60. I waited and kept counting. After ten minutes, maybe less, it was back down in the low 40’s. That’s when I felt better.

But you never really feel better. You don’t really feel better because you just counted your baby’s respirations to make sure her heart isn’t failing. You don’t really feel better because you don’t know, for sure, if your baby is just worked up or is panting because her heart may be failing. Which is it? Worry and sadness follow me around, trailing me all the time, it seems. Sometimes they catch me and then I feel depressed.

I am determined not to be depressed. I remind myself of the lessons I’ve learned – to live in the present moment, to practice gratitude, to be open to all the support and love that others have showered us with. But it certainly takes effort sometimes. It helps to get outside, to get some exercise, to have some time to just be something other than a mother to a baby who sometimes breathes fast and she doesn’t know if her baby is worked up or her heart is failing.