A Few Tense Moments

This morning, Hana’s x-Ray looked the same. This is very discouraging. Each day they have to increase her sedation as she becomes more and more tolerant. The attending physician this morning felt like her increase in heart rate and respiration rate, while still within normal limits, was an increase from what we’ve seen from Hana and is therefore significant. They wanted to get another bronchoscopy, but that didn’t happen today. They ordered a CBC. They are starting to think of things other than a UTI and rhinovirus that would be keeping Hana stuck where she is for so long. There were a few tense moments when Hana’s heart rate soared – over 180. Once they were changing the dressing on her arterial line prior to which they had given a paralytic drug to keep her still. Then her breathing became labored and her respiration rate went up. The second time was right after a respiration treatment – Hana got agitated and had more than 170 mL of gas in her stomach. She threw up a little. She recovered from both, but they stressed me out for a while.

I often feel weary of waiting and stressing. I worry what will happen if this drags on another week or another week or another. What if her lung just can’t get better because of her heavy heart?

Someone recently told me that people used to describe her as a strong person. I’ve heard that about myself too. But this woman finally had to ask herself, “What kind of strength do I have?” She answered herself – she had strength in negativity, she was stubborn in many ways. I have to ask myself the same thing. Am I strong in worry? I like to be prepared. Maybe I am trying to prepare myself for a worst case scenario. Am I strong in worrying about worst case scenarios?

I want to be strong in peace with what is – Hana has a lung that is healing, she is breathing with the help of a ventilator, she is on several drugs for sedation, her heart and things related to keeping her body chemistry balanced. Hana has a very large heart that needs drugs to help it pump effectively. She is recovering from a UTI and rhinovirus. That is what we know.

I also know that Hana is feisty, even when sedated. She is cute and sweet looking. I love her and I’m grateful to have her in my life. I would only wish that we all can know what that much love feels like.  

Poppy came to visit us!


2 thoughts on “A Few Tense Moments

  1. I have been reading your blog and am so moved. I have an 18 month old daughter and live in San Jose, so not far from you. Your words emanate a deep, strong, intelligent, concerned, peaceful, powerful love for your little daughter Hana. Peace and strength and healing to her and you and your family.


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