Catching Up

It has been a crazy few months. I am actually a little dumbstruck by how busy it has been. First, I decided to embark on this journey of leading Tinkergarten classes for young children. These are outdoor, child-led, play-driven, nature-inspired classes for children 18-months to 8-years old. It has been fulfilling and yet, A LOT OF WORK. Between the training, the trial classes and the preparation, I am sinking. I know this will level out after I get more experienced but for now, my head is spinning. Second, Corrina’s blood levels tested high for lead so we had to get our home inspected for lead exposure. Her levels were not very high, but still, we had to get a lot of painting, cleaning and repair work done to protect against possible lead exposure. We did get Hana’s lead level tested again (she never had any detectable lead) and it came back as nothing, so that’s one relief. Third, we’ve been preparing for our condo conversion, including our inspection. I’ll spare you the details but basically it means we are legally separating our two unit house (which was once a single-family house). This is very common in San Francisco. It is costly and timely. Lastly, is the usual recovery from vacation (this is a real thing!) and recovery from summer colds.

But enough about that boring stuff!

Hana is doing great! Memorial Day weekend we went camping, thinking the girls were on the other side of the sickness they both had right before we went. Not so. Then the coughing started for both Hana and Corrina. I ended up having to take Hana in for a chest x-ray and a bunch of other tests. Everything came back fine. Paul and I managed to not get sick although we were feeling a little traumatized from the camping trip, because it ended up being so hard with sick kids.

Hana had her ballet recital, which was really fun. If you really want to watch her two dances, you can here:  https://vimeo.com/276555941
Just skip to 19:42 for her class’ tap dance (“If You’re Happy And You Know It”). And 39:44 for her class’ ballet dance (“Bunny Rabbit Blues”). Otherwise, here are a few professional images captured by the photographer Natalia Perez from the dress rehearsal.
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Next, we went to our dear friend, Megan’s wedding. Hana was excited for months/weeks for Megan’s wedding! Now, Megan is very special to us because she came to visit every week while Hana was in the hospital and living at the Ronald McDonald House. It gave me some time to get away for an hour or two and it gave Hana some special time with an amazing person. Even when Hana was back in the hospital for a month with adenovirus, Megan came. We are so sad that she moved to Arizona a few months ago (good for her, but we will miss her so much).
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Then, we had the highly anticipated Summer Scamper, the walk/run on Stanford University’s campus to raise money for the children’s hospital. Thank you to all who donated to the Hana’s Heart team. It was a small team this year and we really missed some of our past year’s team members. But it was a lot of fun. It was our first year doing the event after knowing about Hana’s heart donor, Leo, so that made it really special. We even had a few of Leo’s family members participate as virtual racers! One racer even made a really cool shirt. I had no idea of this until after the event (I guess I need to find more time to check my email.). We went down to Palo Alto the night before where I had gotten a deal on a hotel with a pool. We went swimming and then we went out to dinner. The next day we were able to get to the race quickly. We walked the 5K together as a family and then Hana did the fun run for 3 and 4-year olds! She had mixed feelings about it (because I didn’t run on the track with her, I thought all parents had to be off the track, yet some parents stayed, so it made her a bit sad). I did run right next to her in the grass, though.
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The next weekend we went to Camp Taylor’s family camp for the first time. Camp Taylor is a camp for kids with heart disease. We didn’t go last year because I wasn’t sure how that would work out with a newborn. This year was the first year they had camp at their new facility, so it wasn’t quite what it normally is as they continue to build the camp. Hana had an amazing time. She is still talking about it and can’t wait to go next year.
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After all that fun in June, Paul and I were exhausted. But then we had to rush around to do the lead work, where we had to be out of the house for a couple of days, and then get ready for the condo conversion inspection. I had to get a new phone somewhere in there. Thankfully, the lead work is DONE and the condo conversion inspection is over for the time being (let the real work begin!). My summer season Tinkergarten classes started and I’m getting in a bit of a groove with that so now we are playing catch up on everything else. This past week all of us except Paul had a cold.

We are looking forward to some more fun in our jam-packed August. My parents are coming out and we are headed to San Jose for the annual California Homeschool Conference. This is my first time going, so we will see what the homeschool landscape is all about in California. I’m really looking forward to it, as we need to make some big decisions in the coming months about Hana’s schooling. Between now and then, we need Hana to stay healthy because she has a big day coming up right after the conference, on August 13th, when she has her annual cardiac catheterization and biopsy. Then, a few days later its her birthday and then a few days after that we get to go to Hawaii to visit my sister’s family and my aunt and uncle! Please keep some positive thoughts and prayers coming Hana’s way for her cardiac cath & biopsy. We want her to be healthy and we went everything to look beautiful and come back as no rejection.

Thank you all for following Hana’s journey. We always appreciate all the support. I hope my updates can be more timely in the coming months when, hopefully, things quiet down a little bit for us!
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Maker:S,Date:2017-4-13,Ver:6,Lens:Kan03,Act:Lar02,E-Y

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Happy New Year

I know, I know, this update is long overdue. I’m sorry. I’m tired. It must be having a baby that makes me too tired to keep my eyes open too long as soon as I sit down. Actually, I’ve been tired mostly because I spent almost the entire fall season sick. Since we got back from Hawaii in mid-September and we all contracted RSV, I’ve had a nearly non-stop flow of bad colds, with a week in between. Luckily, colds I got that the kids did not get first, I did not spread to them. Corrina got the croup right after Thanksgiving which spread to me and then Hana. It took me the longest to get well (five or six weeks), even Hana got better long before me. This is not bragging (but may sound like it) but I’ve had people say to me, “I don’t know how you do it. How do you do so much?” Well the answer is, I don’t, I hit a wall. Because my body obviously told me I was doing too much and I needed to take better care of myself. I also struggled a lot this fall with anxiety or maybe you would call it PTSD having to do with all we’ve had to deal with Hana. Dark thoughts kept creeping into my mind and it took a lot of energy to overcome them. Maybe I’ll say more about that later. This has been too much about me already. Now, more about Hana.

Hana is doing GREAT! She is LOVING life. Truly. She goes to Forest School two mornings a week for preschool. This is 100% outdoors in Golden Gate Park in the woods. They climb trees and play with sticks and dirt and pinecones. She loves it. I would have loved the idea of it even if she weren’t immune suppressed but its an added bonus that she is less at risk of exposure to other kids’ germs. The teachers are amazing too. If you are wondering what they do in the rain, they stay outside and play in the rain and mud! I dress her with a base layer of wool long underwear and she has good rain paints, raincoat and boots.

Hana started swim lessons this fall too. She also really loves swimming and is so excited that she is will to sit poolside for 30 minutes (with a stack of library books), while I take Corrina in for her lesson first. I think its amazing that, after nearly nine months of not being able to even take a bath submerged in water, that she loves swimming so much.

Lastly, the latest addition is that Hana started taking dance class. I was not going to add another activity but she was asking to dance all the time and when I showed her a few preschool dance videos (check out Petite Feet on Amazon streaming video) she fell in love. So she started a ballet/tap/tumbling class with just the right mix of structure and age-appropriate fun and she loves it! She is very motivated and driven all on her own. I think she actually would enjoy a more focused class, which surprised me, considering her age, but its more than good enough for now.

In between all these things we try to make it to the playground, the beach, the Children’s Creativity Museum (if you go, check out their Sketchtown exhibit, its amazing), the Bay Area Discovery Museum, the San Francisco Zoo, and the California Academy of Sciences. We keep fairly busy. I think I may be trying to overcompensate for all the time Hana has had to spend stuck in the hospital. But its now winter/rainy season here in San Francisco during one of the worst cold & flu seasons in a long time and we are hibernating a little bit to keep away from the germs. So, I think we will have plenty of inside play time.

Unfortunately, the last cold caused Hana’s biopsy in December to be rescheduled. She got a 1b, which Stanford treats as mild rejection (other transplant programs treat it as no rejection) in November and was supposed to get another follow up biopsy in December. Now, that’s rescheduled for the end of January. The theorize that the 1b was a reaction to the RSV in September. This is why it is so important for her to stay healthy.

Okay, now I’m frustrated because the rest of this post got deleted somehow. Oh well, I think you got the main points! Happy New Year!

Putting Your Heart On Ice

Saturday morning I had the rare pleasure of driving in the car. I was listening to West Coast Live, which is a local San Francisco radio show that is broadcast on public radio. They were interviewing Eleanor Coppola (yes, the wife of Francis Ford). One thing she talked about was something Francis had read in a book and it was the phrase, “Putting your heart on ice”. She described it as meaning a time in your life when you are frustrated and you aren’t doing what you want to be doing, what you were meant to be doing and you were just slogging through, maybe to just make it through a difficult phase.

Some would say that right now we are “putting our hearts on ice”, as we wait. I’ve heard people say that our lives are “on hold” until we can get back home. Certainly, this is true in many ways. But, life goes on no matter what and we’ve tried to live it as fully as we can, even when we are stuck in a hospital. Or, you could we have the privilege of being cared for by an amazing group of nurses and medical staff at an amazing hospital on an incredible life saving device. Because of this, Hana has a chance. We get to watch her grow and develop and really be an incredible joy in our lives. So, our lives do have a lot of joy. Maybe we are exactly where we need to be.

It also really struck me how ironic the phrase “putting your heart of ice” was in that it is exactly this that will happen when Hana gets her chance, her gift of life. A donor heart for Hana will arrive on ice. I hope we can always honor that gift with lives full of joy and gratitude.

It is with gratitude that I’d like to show a couple of things, that Hana has received lately. A couple of nurses made some things for Hana (and one thing is in the works).

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Custom made window cling!
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Hot air balloon decoration!

Then, I’m very excited because an artist I first discovered years ago in Sackets Harbor, New York, when my sister lived there, heard of Hana’s story. She was inspired to paint one day and realized she was painting Hana. She shared this painting with us while it was in the works, but it recently was completed. Its been very exciting and we are really in love with the final work! I feel it really captures a certain part of Hana. When I showed Hana a picture of the painting, she said, “Hana! Hana!”

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by Eugenia Mancini Horan

To see some of her other work, you can follow her Facebook page, The Art of ima.GINA.tion. Or you can visit her website.

Lastly, Hana is still doing great! She did slip and fall and hit her head the other day. This is always a big deal because she is on so many blood thinners. They do neuro checks every hour for the first four hours and then every four hours. She is fine. Tomorrow she has another round of IVIG therapy. She had two play dates in the last week that really made her day! Monday, another one of my sisters and her husband arrive. We are really looking forward to the visit!

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164 Days in the hospital, 146 days post-Berlin Heart, 138 days on the transplant list.

Another Freedom Gone

I have a bitter taste in my mouth, so my tone may reflect that. Tonight they took another freedom away – now Hana’s Ikus must stay plugged into the wall, rather than the extension cord. One time, when we plugged the Ikus back in to the extension cord, it took three or four minutes for the red light that indicates no warnings to go off. Somehow, I feel like it has gotten carried away. I don’t know how the message got relayed but I felt like our nurse was not really getting what I was saying and was kind of adding more to what was going on (or not going on). I hate complaining about nurses but I’m just so annoyed and irritated with myself for saying anything at all.

Hopefully this is not a permanent change but it has already been harder. We are definitely not getting out of the room as much and I can tell it is wearing on Hana.

Hana did have a great play date today when two kids from the neighborhood came down to visit and Hana was VERY excited and happy.

In medical news, Hana was taken off of the drug Zantac altogether because the pharmacist felt like it was the only way to really see if this drug is what is causing Hana’s elevated liver enzymes. I don’t even know if the Zantac was really working. The exciting news of the day is that the IVIG therapy seems to be working. The very basic report I heard was that of the ten antibodies that were high, six of them have come down. I don’t know much more than that but it is good news!

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Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

120 days in the hospital, 101 days post-Berlin Heart, 93 days on the transplant list.

Problems With Pink

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First, I want to start off by saying that we have been enjoying the novelty of Hana’s new pink Ikus (the air compressor part of her Berin Heart unit). In pink fashion, a college friend of mine is doing a fundraiser for Hana through Pink Zebra products. The fundraiser ends March 7th. Now, I am TERRIBLE (shy) at promoting things like this but Laurie has put in a lot of really great effort and we really appreciate it! The  products look amazing and I was kind of wishing to get some for myself!

In other pink news, the so far unnamed pink ikus has been a little problematic. It alarms a lot more that Hana has “kinked” the tube from the the pump. I’ve been told that this will happen when you switch out the ikus and it will adjust as time goes on. But the more worrisome problems are the alarm about measurement discrepancy (not to be worried about but mildly annoying) and the discharging battery alarm. The latter is a very serious alarm. The Berlin Heart battery is guaranteed to last 30 minutes (and it takes six hours to charge!) and it gives you a warning when you’ve used the battery for ten minutes and then again at 20 minutes. When you get to 30 minutes it alarms that the battery is discharging. Or, so I’ve been told because we have never taken the risk to wait and find out. So, we’ve been quite surprised to get this alarm after using the battery for only ten minutes. The first time it happened we were outside with the nurse and we had to run in to the nearest outlet to plug in. It’s considered a very urgent situation. Well, we were told (by Berlin Heart) it was okay and we were able to go back to Hana’s room but now it’s happened two more times and we end up running back to the room and plugging in. Today they sent the logs from the computer to the company. Today the cardiologist, one of the leading experts on this device, told me that I should rest assured that even if the pump stopped working Hana’s heart would do fine pumping on her own until they could get her hooked up to the backup Ikus. Besides the emergency hand pump is there too. I’d really like to keep the pink Ikus so I hope they can figure out what is going on.

My sister has been here since Wednesday morning and we’ve had a lot of fun. She leaves Monday night. It was great to have company here during Hana’s IVIG therapy since Hana couldn’t leave her room for 24 hours. I’m sad she has to leave. She did get to witness Hana’s explosion of new signs and words. She has a new favorite each day. My personal favorite was “rainbow” which she usually shortens to “bow”.

Thank you for all the love and support we are so grateful! I never get tired of saying this and we truly feel very lucky every day.

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109 days in the hospital, 90 days post-Berlin Heart, 82 days on the transplant list.

Good Vibes

I’ve been too tired to write updates! I’ve been falling asleep while breast pumping, something I didn’t think was possible. But there has been a lot going on.

First, Hana saw the GI doctor and dietitian. From that they decided she should start on some pediatric formula since her nutritional needs have outgrown the infant formula now that she is over a year old. We also scheduled some weight checks. A few days later six cases of Pediasure arrived. This stuff smells disgusting. It is made to be very sweet so that it entices kids to drink it, but it really turns my stomach. I slowly started adding it to Hana’s feeds, mixed with the regular fortified breast milk. I started with 25% and a couple days later went to 30% and a couple days later up to 35%. That’s when Hana started vomiting.

I ordered a can of an alternative to Pediasure, called Pediasmart. It only comes in powdered form, whereas Pediasure comes as a canned liquid (it also comes in a powder). I swapped out the Pediasure for Pediasmart and the vomiting stopped. Then we had to scramble to find more, this stuff is not easy to find in a retail store! We eventually ran out of Pediasmart so I substituted Pediasure back in for one night and she vomited alot, so that’s the end of me attempting to give Hana Pediasure. The next day (Monday) our amazing GI nurse proactively anticipated that we would run out of the formula before the supply she ordered for us arrived. She called all over the city trying to find some, talked to colleagues and the Pediasmart rep and she dug up a can of chocolate Pediasmart for us!

Hana had a weight check on the same scale as her last weight check and she gained 130 grams over 18 days. That’s 7 grams a day, which I think is pretty okay. They did say that kids’ weight gain generally slows to 3 or 4 grams a day after they turn a year.

Feeding by mouth has been going terrible. I should say, there has been no progress whatsoever. Our feeding specialist talked about getting Hana into a feeding program, one where they come to the house. At first I was excited but then I wasn’t sure if I liked the idea. I’ve heard mixed things about the feeding program that we would be referred to. I’ve been thinking about this feeding stuff a lot. It consumes my brain power. After much deliberation I decided that I think Hana just needs more time. I feel pretty confident about that. I think her brain is at work figuring out the world (including learning to walk) and even though we don’t see progress in her eating, I think things are at work inside her head.

Of course, I still want to give her opportunities to show us she can eat and drink, but I can’t be stressed about it. Or anxious. Or have expectations. She will do it  when she is ready. So, I plug along, packing snacks and milk for her milk bear. I’ve mostly given up trying to have her “eat” while sitting in her high chair. I try offering food while we are out and about – at the park, in the stroller, at the playground. But mostly she is not interested, or she just wants to throw it on the floor.

Then on Sunday it got really hot in San Francisco. It was over 90 degrees! I made sure to offer Hana lots of cold breast milk. She drank and drank. She drank 380 mL, that’s almost 13 ounces. Then she did it the next day too! The day after that it cooled back down to our normal 65 degree weather and she drank 300 mL (10 ounces). The next day I tried adding some Pediasmart to the milk and her drinking slowed significantly, but she still drank more than 180 mL (6 ounces) which is more than she has consistently been drinking. I went back to straight breast milk the next day and she drank 290 mL and then 360 mL yesterday. I know that eventually she needs to eat or drink something more high calorie, but for now I want to see if she will consistently drink that volume.

At our feeding appointment this past week we went at a new time – in the morning, versus lunchtime. Hana “ate” a lot more yogurt than she has lately. She also tried some apple flavored crunchy snacks. She did this for an hour before she wanted to be done. It was great progress! Some things to note – she is perhaps still experiencing some reflux, she seems to be constipated and gassy from the new pediatric formula and she drank some milk so fast that she threw up. I think its because some went down the wrong tube and she coughed and threw up rather than her stomach bothering her. But either way our feeding specialist is going to discuss all these issues with the GI doctor and dietitian.

We have been getting out a lot more. I think it is good for Hana to be out, she seems to really thrive when she does. Its actually quite amazing. We go to the California Academy of Sciences every Tuesday morning. We go to the pool once a week and music class twice a week (to help stimulate her speech development). We go to the playground almost every day and she watches the other kids and climbs things. She loves to climb!

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Recently Hana was mentioned in an online article about rare diseases for Children’s Cardiomyopathy Awareness Month (which is September):
https://rarediseases.org/hope-for-kids-with-heart-disease-september-is-childrens-cardiomyopathy-awareness-month/

Hana turned 13-months on Saturday and she also took her first steps! I’m hoping that once she really starts to walk that she will want to shift her focus more on learning to really eat.

There is nothing new to report about her heart. She wore an EKG holter for 24 hours which they said she would need to do twice a year. Everything came back normal. When she takes a long nap, two hours or more (she has never napped longer than 2 hours and fifteen minutes except in the days right before she ended up in the hospital) I get anxious. Yesterday was one of those days. Is she napping so long because of her heart? I can spiral out of control very quickly. I’ve been working on some things to help ease that anxiety. Hana does not need anxious vibes right now (or ever, really). She needs good vibes! Calm, relaxed, nurturing, positive vibes. We hung up a homemade tree in the house for Hana’s birthday party. It is still up! We cut out dozens and dozens of paper leaves for the tree and asked people to write well wishes (or bring their own “leaf” to add to the tree) for Hana. I’ve been starting to add my own good vibe, well wishes to the tree. It is a good practice for calming my anxiety!

If anyone would like to add a leaf to the tree, let me know. I can send you a leaf or you can make your own and send it!

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Losing Weight?

There has been a lot going on and much of it I wish I had made time to give it the recognition that I think it deserves, but its has just been too crazy. First, we had Hana’s big birthday celebration and it was wonderful! We had amazing food, amazing decorations (more on this later…) and amazing guests! Second, Hana and I flew to Bend, Oregon for our first trip after being discharged from Stanford. We were very nervous to have Hana fly and for her to be so far away from our usual medical facilities in case something went wrong. She handled the airplane ride just fine. There were no complications other than the usual difficulties of traveling with a one-year old – she didn’t sleep very well, naps and bedtime were harder, she might have felt overwhelmed by the new environment. She did vomit more – at least every day, which brings me to the next point.

We saw Hana’s Kaiser cardiologist on Monday and she has lost weight (130 grams or 4.5 ounces) from the week before. Now, when she saw her pediatrician the week before she was weighed on a different type of scale (a real scale versus a digital scale) and the nurse did it very, very quickly, maybe not so accurately because she is not used to parents who are tracking every ounce (or gram) so carefully. But lets say the reading was way off, still, her weight is just barely more than her weight at Stanford three and half weeks ago, its really the same. Her Kaiser cardiologist said she does not get worked up over one “bad” data point, such as this drop in weight.

In addition, Hana had an echocardiagram by the usual tech at Kaiser, Doug, who also did Hana’s very first echo, while her cardiologist looked and watched and we saw how bad her heart was for the first time. On Monday, Hana was Doug’s very last patient of his career. After 30 years he was retiring, so that was kind of an honor for us (and sad because he is really, really amazing). Regarding her echo, her Kaiser cardiologist said, “there isn’t anything significant” to talk about, but her heart is larger than it has been, so that is a change. She did say, “sometimes that happens”. This made my own heart plummet. I will say that her Kaiser cardiologist has seemed much more worried or concerned than the heart failure/transplant cardiologists at Stanford and she did not seem worried or concerned, but still, I was hoping her heart was getting smaller not larger.

Lastly, during her exam, her cardiologist thought she saw “pulling” of her skin between her ribs, as if she were having to work hard to breathe. She also said this could be because she had just been upset the minute before. But still! That is three things! I walked home from the appointments in a teary daze. Everything feels so fragile. I tell myself to take a deep breath, she looks so good, she is acting so much happier, she is talking so much more! Maybe her stagnant weight is because she is moving around so much more! I hope so. But still, it has been a little bit stressful and I am reminding myself to not take for granted the days and moments and all the good things. I remind myself not to make it something it isn’t. I remind myself to imagine what life will be like when all these things are no longer a worry. I remind myself to cherish my sweet girl!

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The White Food Experiment

Tuesday we took Hana to Stanford for an appointment. I remember when she was still in the CVICU at Stanford and was starting to stabilize and we started hearing about what might happen next. One of the things they mentioned was that some kids stay until in the hospital until they get a heart transplant, they may have to go on ECMO or a Berlin heart. But then there are some kids that get “well enough” to go home on oral medications and some of those kids even do well for years before they need a heart transplant. There are some of those kids that even end up improving. They couldn’t tell us which scenario would be Hana because they don’t yet understand why some kids do well or even improve.

So far, Hana is one of the kids doing well on oral medications. Her echocardiagram, although not worse, is still very severe. On the outside she looks like a normal baby. She is thriving and growing and developing. The term they used was “exceptional compensation” – her heart is very, very sick looking but she appears to be doing very well. There was a pediatric cardiology fellow that joined Hana’s attending doctor for the exam. He, especially, seemed to be very impressed to look at her (after having just reviewed her latest echo).

I feel very fortunate. It’s a reminder on how fortunate we have been.

At Stanford talked a lot about weaning her from the tube and the risk that they are willing or not willing to take with the wean. She is doing well, perhaps because everything is managed so carefully right now. Once the tube is out that becomes harder. They would like her to weigh 10kg before we do anything drastic like pull the tube out and see if her hunger will make her eat. She weighed in at 8.45 kg, so she is still gaining about 7 grams a day. They decided to drop her mid-day Lasix dose because her BUN was so high, but we’ll see how she does and if she starts to retain fluid. We don’t have to take her back to Stanford for three months!

I got the impression that I need to be more patient (when it comes to her feeding progress).

On a daily basis, moment to moment, some things are still a lot of work – mostly on my mind in this category is feeding. Today I made specially prepared baby food in forms and textures that I thought would be more conducive to eating. I took them to our feeding specialist appointment, which we haven’t been going to because the therapist was on vacation. Hana didn’t want to eat the split peas. We mixed them with yogurt and then she ate some, but just a little, maybe a teaspoon. Then we tried some string cheese. Hana ate almost half a stick! It was very encouraging. The final conclusion was that she likes and trusts white food.

I really had my doubts at first – could a baby really prefer foods that are white? But the feeding specialist assured me that it was not crazy to think she only likes white foods. I guess it makes sense, breast milk is white. Yogurt is white. Mashed potatoes are white. All the foods that we have the most luck with are white. So we wrote down a list of white foods. Over the next week I am going to introduce as many white foods as possible to see if that makes a difference. So far we have yogurt, cheese, cottage cheese, vanilla pudding, chicken breast, cauliflower, white asparagus, tofu, rice and white beans.

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New Bloodwork Results

This past week has been about the same. Hana had a cold with a runny nose and she really didn’t want to drink from her Milk Bear. Today she only drank two ounces although she’s been averaging 6-8 ounces. She was definitely more cranky and then I worry it is her heart. Maybe “worry” is the wrong word, perhaps its more like I’m on high alert.

One day last week, she vomited in the middle of the night and her NG tube came out. We decided to leave it out rather than place it again at one o’clock in the morning. The next morning we wanted to give her as much time free of the tube, so Paul went to work and I thought for sure I would be able to find someone to help hold Hana while I put the tube in. Well, it was getting late and I needed to give her medications (via the tube) before too much more time passed. I wasn’t able to find anyone around to help hold Hana. I was getting desperate so, of course, I called my mom.

My mom was able to instruct me on how I could hold Hana so that I could put her NG tube back in by myself. If you have not witnessed NG tube placement on a baby, I can tell you that it is very unpleasant. Hana is squirming, arms flailing, head going from side to side. She is screaming, sputtering, crying, choking and gagging. It’s awful and as the mom or the parent, it feels even worse. I had to take a few moments to take some deep breaths and psych myself up. I decided that if I couldn’t get the tube in, I was going to walk down to Kaiser and ask someone there to help me.

I swaddled Hana’s arms by her sides and then sat in an armless chair with her on my lap. I put one of my legs over hers and then had all the things I needed laid out on her high chair tray. It took a couple of attempts but I got the NG tube in and I managed a pretty nice tape job too. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more proud of myself. It was very empowering. I had thoughts of letting her go tube free more often, for several hours a day because now I could just put the tube back in myself. I don’t know if I want to subject her to that much trauma every day. I wish I knew which was worse – having the tube in constantly or getting a break from the tube but having to endure getting it put back in more often.

Last Friday we had to get bloodwork for our upcoming appointment at Stanford on Tuesday. From what I can tell, the majority of her tests were basically “normal” or at least the same. One test – BUN (blood urea nitrogen) was twice as high as the upper range of normal at 34. I know they talked about maybe having her level be close to 30, but then last time, when it was 15, they seemed satisfied. BUN measure dehydration. They want to keep her dry because it is less load on the heart.

The other test that was different was her BNP which is B type natriuretic protein. I’ve talked about this before. It is basically a substance that is secreted by the ventricles when the heart is in failure. It was going up and up and up since Hana was discharged from Stanford. At the highest it was 1055. Now is is at 589. I think that is great, but we’ll see what the cardiology team at Stanford says. I’m still happy that it is going down instead of up! (By the way, normal levels would be below 100).

Now we just need to get her eating! I’ve been researching a tube weaning approach developed in Austria called NoTube. They have a netcoaching program where they talk with you via web conferencing every day for an hour or so for three weeks. Apparently they have a high success rate. It does cost $4,000! What really turns me off is that they seem like really pushy sales people so I have a level of mistrust. Maybe it is just a cultural thing. I don’t know.

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Her Happiness Breaks My Heart

Hana had a bit of a fussy night and in the morning I found some damp vomit on her bed and pillow. It always hurts my heart a little bit to think that she vomited at night an no one came to comfort her. But maybe she really is ok with it and its just me. This is the third time its happened.

About twenty minutes after she had all her morning meds, all were given a little on the early side, I very quickly pulled out her NG tube. She cried a tiny bit. Then I took her to see Paul and drink her morning milk. Unfortunately, it seems that the first milk of the day comes right back up. At least it is an easy vomit, not like her really bad retching vomit episodes. Unfortunately, she vomited on our bed, which is not protected for baby vomit. She recovered quickly and was back to drinking milk.

All in all, Hana drank 14 ounces of straight breast milk today! That is three more ounces than yesterday! Tomorrow, I will start fortifying it just a little to add calories and hopefully get her used to the taste. We didn’t have a whole lot of luck giving her Lasix, which is the only medication in the middle of the day that really needs to be given at a certain time. I tried letting her taste the Lasix from the syringe and dropping a little bit in her mouth but she was gagging before the syringe even hit her lips! Then she vomited a mouthful and I decided to try another approach. We put the Lasix in some of her milk and she very slowly drank almost all of it. I don’t even know if you can give meds that way, but I figured trying it once wouldn’t be terrible.

The most amazing thing about the day was how happy Hana was most of the day. All babies have fussy periods of the day or a few moments of unhappiness when they don’t like something and Hana certainly had those. But she was noticeably a much happier baby all around. She laughed and smiled more. She was more active and playful. She babbled more. I really think she was so much happier not having the NG tube and not being hooked to the feeding pump. It breaks my heart to think that she could be this happy every day if only she didn’t have that tube. If only…

It broke my heart to have to put the tube back in before bedtime. It is traumatic every time you have to put the tube back in – she cries and screams and gags and almost vomits and squirms. Its terrible. I imagine for nurses that have to do it for babies its not too fun, but to have to do it to your own baby really sucks. On top of all that, it almost felt like I was forcing her back into this unhappy state. I hate it. Afterward, I cried a little.

But, we move on. She saw the feeding specialist again today who still thinks she is improving, although slowly. Her drinking is certainly very promising. Hana is definitely more interested in playing with food, even if she is not putting it in her mouth. She is beginning to mimic us when we eat. It will come. I know the day will come when she is eating and drinking and the only reason we have the tube is for her meds. Now if only I could get her to take her meds orally!

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